Whine of the Month : September 2008

Have you ever had decent wine at a wedding or banquet? Of course you haven’t. Do you know why? Well, it’s for the same reason that almost everything happens in America. Pure, unadulterated greed.

Here’s how it works. You call up some hotel or banquet hall and tell them you’re prepared to blow a large bundle of cash on a swanky affair. In an instant, their eyes light up and they’re all, “Yes Sir”, and “No Sir”, and “Certainly Sir”. By the way, I should point out that the concept of a large bundle of cash, being extremely relative, insures that you will get this reaction whether you are doing business with the Ritz-Carlton or the Elks Lodge. Why are they so excited? Because their profit margins on a piece of rubber chicken, some zucchini, and “garlic mashed potatoes”, is obscene. Not to mention the little bowls of nuts on the table.

But the real Faginesque hand-wringing begins when you start talking about wine. Their entry level bottle is usually Woodbridge or Frei Bros. or something equally horrid. Now we all know that retail on these wines is around $7, so wholesale is more like $4.50. BUT! These weasels get it for less than that through the miracle of “on premise pricing”, which I’ve written about in previous columns. So what do they offer to charge you for providing wine they pay about $3 a bottle for? Probably in the range of $11 or so, maybe more. Now they know, that you know, that this is overpriced, crap wine, so they try to bump you up to their next level. Dear God help us…it’s Kendall-Jackson. They try to pawn this plonk off on you for between $16 and $18 a bottle, and because you know that it sells for $10 or a little more, this looks like the better deal.

Well guess what, Chester? It ain’t. They’re still only paying $5 or so for the KJ and they know that you’ll pay a little more to impress your guests with a better label. So do the math. They’re making 8 bucks on the cheaper stuff and $11 to $13 on the more expensive wine, according to our model. (remember these are only rough estimates drawn from my personal experience in both the retail and wholesale wine business) What makes it even worse, is that you and I both know that the difference between these two wines is negligible. In other words, I’d rather not drink either one.

So what do you do? Frankly, here’s where there’s an advantage to dealing with the Elks Lodge rather than the Ritz. In any hotel type situation, they’ll tell you that you’re welcome to supply your own wine. Of course there’ll be a slight corkage charge. Typically $10 to $20 a bottle. What’s amazing about this, is that being an “in the know” member of the Cheap Wine Club, you could still serve better wine than they offered you for less, even with the corkage. But wouldn’t it piss you off to pay a $10 corkage on a Casaterra Malbec that cost you $3? I don’t think that I would ever sleep again. In a more shall we say…independent situation, these things are much more negotiable. You should be able to demand to be allowed to bring your own wine, and then offer a token corkage of $2 or $3 a bottle. Be warned however, that for all their smiling, cooperative veneer, banquet managers and event planners are some of the pushiest people on the planet. Not just a nice bit of alliteration, it’s also the truth.

All things considered, I still think that the perfect venue for a party is a private home with a nice, big yard. Go ahead and hire caterers, but tell them that you’ll do the wines. Maybe even the liquor too. You’d be surprised at how eager Uncle Ed or someone is to play bartender for a day.

Harry “you can take that to the banquet” Orlove